


Levels

by maycollins



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Angst, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 19:50:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4973860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maycollins/pseuds/maycollins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were all of these levels.<br/>And then there was Peter Donaldson. When Balth watched too many romantic movies with Ben or was just in a sappy mood, he thought that maybe this boy was the one true love of his life, that no matter who he had a crush on or was dating or loved even, there would always be Peter, somewhere in his mind reminding him that nothing else mattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Levels

**Author's Note:**

> As many were, I have been emotionally wrecked by Pedrazar(Petrazar) in Chicken and Fish in the Sea, so here is how I deal with it.

The way Balthazar saw it, crushes came in all different levels.

There was the level of that boy in his year five class, always so kind when everyone else thought he was strange. Who would pretend like he didn't see the bruises then offer the broken boy half of his cheese stick and beat up the bullies on his way home. There was that level that was more than nothing, but too young, too confused to ever be more of anything.

And there was the level of the first boy Balthazar ever kissed. At a year seven birthday party, the pressed their lips together for just an instant. It was a dare. And Balth didn't let himself think how soft and warm it was or how his heart fluttered for the rest of the night. He didn't let himself hope that it was anything more than a joke until the next morning walk to school when their hands found each other's, sticky in the summer heat. Balth didn’t let himself consider what it meant.

There was that level of the face in every crowd he played to, gorgeous and unfamiliar, a lifetime of maybes and daydreams and passing glances that were never real enough to grasp, like loving a celebrity only the lights were shining into Balthazar's eyes instead.

There was the level of the safe boy, the one who never made Balth feel like there was something wrong with him. The one who held his hand and let him cry on his shoulder and made him feel at home no matter what happened. There was Damien, comfortable and familiar and so full of happy yesterdays that Balth didn't have to consider how he felt today.

There was the level of all those straight boys, the lab partners and football players and best friends who dragged him out of his head and made him laugh.

There was the level of the university guys who were so unafraid. Who answered questions in class and made the best coffee Balth had ever tasted. And even better tea.

There were all of these levels.

And then there was Peter Donaldson. When Balth watched too many romantic movies with Ben or was just in a sappy mood, he thought that maybe this boy was the one true love of his life, that no matter who he had a crush on or was dating or loved even, there would always be Peter, somewhere in his mind reminding him that nothing else mattered.

God, he was pathetic. To love this boy whose feelings ebbed and flowed so often, so deeply. Like a tide. Like Balthazar's own feelings - some days more, some less, but a constant thing.

The only constant thing.

What fucking irony. The only constant thing in Balthazar's life was that he would never stop loving this boy.

No matter the missed opportunities (the missed gigs), the mistakes, the flings, the lies, the longing looks that broke off just a moment too quickly, Balth was never going to stop loving Peter. He couldn't. It was like a disease.

And Balth was pretty sure it was killing him.

And he wouldn't give it up for anything.

He hummed a few lines of his favorite song.

Love will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you

Wow, irony really was a huge thing in his life, he thought. Because that was utter bullshit.


End file.
